Bereavement and grieving
Feb. 24th, 2019 08:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quantumcupcakesHello Dreamwidth, and I apologise for the lack of updates this year.
Shortly after my last post, in the small hours of January 2nd, I got a frantic phone call from my brother telling me to get back to London as quickly as I can because our father had a heart attack. I couldn't get there in time and he passed away before I arrived.
I'd always known that one day I'd have to deal with his death, it's been my biggest fear since losing my mother as a child but wasn't expecting it to happen just yet. He was only 75, he'd recently retired, had a new 'lady friend' and was enjoying his life.
I have not been coping well with the loss at all. I had what could best be described as a mental breakdown at the end of January. It's triggered abandonment issues that I had when I was younger, I'm terrified to let Jack or Lucy out of my sight. I'm scared to go to sleep in case I don't wake up. There was one night where I must have woken Jack 5 or 6 times because I was convinced he wasn't breathing - the morning after was when he took me to see a doctor.
I'm seeing a therapist, I'm going to grief counseling, I'm on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets. I'm used to being the one caring for a loved one going through a mental health crisis, not the one in crisis. Throw in the guilt that I feel like I'm letting my family (and my students) down, and combine that with the knee-jerk reaction that I'm somehow too old to have this kind of inability to cope. It's exhausting and terrifying and I'm completely adrift - Jack is my anchor
But I also know I will get through this. I know it's going to take a number of months for me to adjust and start to heal - and that the healing and grieving process can take years. My doctor is confident that prescribing my anti-depressants should be a short-term help, but as she put it, depression makes it difficult to grieve properly - and that as I work through the process, my body will be able to find the reserves to fight the depression, that I can't do it all - not alone, and not at the same time.
I'm also finding writing this is embarrassing to admit to yet logically I know that keeping it all bottled up inside isn't helping. I have a physical journal that I'm writing in every day and I'm posting this as a first step towards becoming less isolated again.
Shortly after my last post, in the small hours of January 2nd, I got a frantic phone call from my brother telling me to get back to London as quickly as I can because our father had a heart attack. I couldn't get there in time and he passed away before I arrived.
I'd always known that one day I'd have to deal with his death, it's been my biggest fear since losing my mother as a child but wasn't expecting it to happen just yet. He was only 75, he'd recently retired, had a new 'lady friend' and was enjoying his life.
I have not been coping well with the loss at all. I had what could best be described as a mental breakdown at the end of January. It's triggered abandonment issues that I had when I was younger, I'm terrified to let Jack or Lucy out of my sight. I'm scared to go to sleep in case I don't wake up. There was one night where I must have woken Jack 5 or 6 times because I was convinced he wasn't breathing - the morning after was when he took me to see a doctor.
I'm seeing a therapist, I'm going to grief counseling, I'm on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets. I'm used to being the one caring for a loved one going through a mental health crisis, not the one in crisis. Throw in the guilt that I feel like I'm letting my family (and my students) down, and combine that with the knee-jerk reaction that I'm somehow too old to have this kind of inability to cope. It's exhausting and terrifying and I'm completely adrift - Jack is my anchor
But I also know I will get through this. I know it's going to take a number of months for me to adjust and start to heal - and that the healing and grieving process can take years. My doctor is confident that prescribing my anti-depressants should be a short-term help, but as she put it, depression makes it difficult to grieve properly - and that as I work through the process, my body will be able to find the reserves to fight the depression, that I can't do it all - not alone, and not at the same time.
I'm also finding writing this is embarrassing to admit to yet logically I know that keeping it all bottled up inside isn't helping. I have a physical journal that I'm writing in every day and I'm posting this as a first step towards becoming less isolated again.
Thoughts
Date: 2019-02-24 10:01 am (UTC)I made a grief questionnaire, originally designed for the immediate aftermath, but some folks say it helps them track their progress.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 10:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 01:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 01:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 04:50 pm (UTC)If you can think of something specific that we can help with, we'll do our best. But we're here, empathizing and listening when you want to talk.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 04:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 05:23 pm (UTC)Be very gentle with yourself. Don't get too judge-y with yourself. You have great support and good medical attention.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 06:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 06:20 pm (UTC)Also sorry to hear about your other struggles. I'm sure you will get through it. No shame in talking about it. At some point in my life I came to the realization that everyone has issues like this to some level of severity, it just doesn't get spoken of. Don't feel alone! It's all very relatable.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-25 06:41 pm (UTC)You're not alone in this. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. I'm often over your neck of the woods, so I can bring hot chocolate supplies if that would help :).
If it helps to know this, I've seen enough people fall apart over the death of the second parent to know you're quite normal in this.
Much love
no subject
Date: 2019-02-26 07:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-26 04:07 pm (UTC)this book, written by grief counselor Francis Weller, helped me a lot when i was learning how to get my head above water again. i offer it in case it might also be helpful to you.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-26 09:03 pm (UTC)